Something to take my thoughts away…

I have observed myself thinking less about miscarriage and an abnormal NT scan in 8 days to a more pressing matter.  I am pregnant, and I just started a new job.  The past two days at lunch, I have had lunch in my car while reading the employee handbook over and over.  I think there is a 90 day probationary period, but the only mention of it in the handbook is “a review can be conducted at 90 days and again yearly thereafter.”  “CAN” be conducted?  So it may or may not?  I have brought up wanting children once.  I already know my boss from meeting her in 1994 briefly.

The story goes that I met her right before starting pharmacy school and she was finishing up pharmacy school in another state.  I was quizzing her about if she liked it, was it difficult, etc…  So our paths cross again now, and she is my boss.  We’ve already had 4-5 hours of conversation in relation to our personal lives.  She’s very laid back and friendly.  She’s positive, and she is fair.  What I am struggling with internally is that have I been fair not to tell her that I am going to need leave in April? 

I have had horrible thoughts (please no flaming here as I won’t approve the comment… feel free to think badly of me in private forums where I’ll never read, etc… just kidding of course) of “well if you do miscarry again… at least it would not be such bad timing.”  How horrible is that to even think it?  But, I am guilty.  I am so nonconfrontational at times (when it concerns something I caused or did) that I would rather avoid the entire situation.  In other words, how do I tell her?  When do I tell her?

I’ve googled the search phrase “how to tell new boss that I’m pregnant.”  I found one answer that I bookmarked and decided that it is the way I’ll do it.  I’m waiting until the 2nd trimester.  And not the second trimester based on the impatient pregnant woman on Fertility Friend or other forums.  The true 2nd trimester week – Week 14.  So right now I’m Week 11.  I have three more weeks to learn this computer system and start working from home, get my production up so she can see how valuable I can be… and then break the news.  My mother told me to wait until I’m closer to 20 weeks.  Incredible.  How could I wait that long?  My pants are already getting tight in the waist. 

I know.  This is a good problem to have, and I’m still thankful for the problem, I just find myself compulsively thinking about this “meeting” a lot.  And I hate to waste my mental energies so much.

So far so good on the job though.  I feel a fit.  It’s the first time I’ve felt this since the beginning of the year…  when I was still normal as far as not being an emotional basketcase. 

Pregnancies happen all the time.  She knows I’ve only been married 2 years.  I told her we wanted children.  I confided in her about my miscarriage and she confided in me about the two she had prior to her only child who is nine years old now.  I think that I’m making this much harder on myself than it should be. 

I’m thinking the first week of November or so…  and then I can resume my general worries again of listening for the heartbeat, is the fetus growing appropriately, etc…

Maybe I needed this sort of diversion to really keep me sane at this time.

8 week ultrasound

I wasn’t nearly as nervous this time around even though 8 weeks was when I found out the last time.  I was a little bit nervous about that one fact, but the nausea had been fairly consistent all week, but even as I type this now, I feel no nausea.  Symptoms come and go, and when they are here, I feel more comfortable and positive, and when they are not, I wonder, doubt, and fear.  Such a cycle. 

 DH taped a really neat show on the National Geographic Channel (in HD no less) of the development of the baby.  He kept saying, “There’s where we are,” where they’d show the fetus at 8 weeks, and I had to remind him that it was really 10 weeks pregnant.  At least I have a grasp on that!  It’s fairly obvious in my scans that there aren’t arms or legs yet… and I figure when we go back October 1st to the regular obstetrician, we might get lucky to have another scan and see some limbs.  I still cannot wait until the next trimester.  I want everything to go smoothly thought the cable show showing the lady giving birth while standing up and leaning over a bed really freaked me out.  DH was really good with it.  Football was on, ane he wasn’t flipping back to football.  That tells me a lot.

The heartrate was 167.  That’s great!  I’m thanking God for the progress so far. 

And on the job front, it seems as though I will have the home job after all, though  a different company and not a perfect schedule — either a seven day on or a seven day off (10 hour days) — that would be doable BUT tiring –OR– 10 hour days that fluctuate with days off in between but still every other weekend. 

I hate working weekends.

But being at home will make that part better.