the last post about NJ

I had to do an overhaul on some of the posts on this blog in reference to my whack job of a brother.  This will be the last time I even mention him… I hope!  Well, at least publicly.  I have the ability to set posts private, and will do that.  You see, here’s the story.  Two days ago I am working and minding my own business with thoughts of NJ (nutjob = brother) never ever on my mind anymore.  You see, in January 2009, I really let it go.

Suddenly, I get a random comment to a post made in January 2009 about birth order, etc… on my public family blog which I will not list here since the point of this one is to speak my mind!  The comment said something to the effect of being dedicated to the hero child who is still performing on the internet.  I was like, “Whaaaa?”  Sure enough do an arin whois and it’s NJ.  I posted a reply to the NJ that ONLY had the IP of the originator and the company name.  Yeah, you are busted.  Yeah you signed it Michael, the same name by the way that you used when trying to stalk your ex-wife on myspace years ago and deleted your profile suddenly when she started figuring it out.  Yep.  You are definitely a NJ.  He realizes he’s busted at that point and responds from my incarcerated brother – angerandvengeance@gmail.com and called me a piece of sh*t.  Whatever.  I deleted it

He then proceeds to get on Facebook and harrass my mom while she is here with my dad about my blog post saying it was all about him.  It really wasn’t.  I didn’t even ASSIGN him a profile but at this point I’d say yeah… you are the scapegoat and a miserable human being.  He tells her that he will add her to the list of those he is not speaking to.  (Say it isn’t so!!!  I now realize being on his list has been a BLESSING that I have not recognized properly).  AND that he isn’t coming for the holidays!  WOO WOO!   Another peaceful Thanksgiving and Christmas!  YES!

Here’s the lie.  He says that a consultant there in NC came in with the last name the same as my hubby.  He says to my parents that he told the guy, “Oh, my sister is married to a ________ do you know any in (state)?”  The guy didn’t.  Then later he just HAPPENED to come back and said he googled my last name and the blog came right up.  Funny.  You try to do that and it doesn’t.   He said that it would ruin his reputation though the post had no mention that I even had a NJ of a brother.  Hilarious.  Even more hilarious is that I can see it was only him on the website by unique users in Charlotte, NC.  Idiot.

Things blow up here.  Settle down.  Then yesterday it starts back up again b/c NJ sent our dad an email with all kinds of cursing in it about my blog in general and that the company my dad works for flagged the email and he’s being investigated.  So he called his son, NJ, who should know being the big time management guy he is too about company email and the use of vulgar language… then says he is going to sue me.  Really, NJ.  There is NOTHING to sue over.

My dad tells him that he is a grown man and that I am a grown woman and that if he has anything to say he should just call me.  Amen Dad.  NJ doesn’t have the internal fortitude to even try to call me though I wouldn’t answer the phone anyway.

This all happened for a reason.  I’m always asking and found 30 blog posts over the life of this blog about how crazy NJ is.  All the hurt he has caused in our family.

Bottom line:

1.  Thank you for ignoring me the past two years.  Thank you.  Seriously.  You physically attacking me years ago really was the end of me caring about you like I wish I could.  Thanks for nailing the nails in the coffin on our relationship.  I have asked God to let us reconcile, but God can’t make you do anything.  You are obviously a NJ and crazy.

2.  Mom and Dad are seeing your ways through this last incident.  Dad read my blog and found nothing about you NJ.

3.  I needed this closure.

Done.  Done.  Done.

catching up…

How’s it going?  How’s life treating you?  Are you enjoying spring?  I feel as though last summer was a blur and that I was in perpetual hibernation with a newborn.  This summer will be long overdue as it will seem as though it will be the first summer in two years.  I do understand why women who have their first child seeemingly fall off the planet, much less have two as my dear friend Janna has now adopted two girls.  I wonder if she has time AT all since I complain about the time suck of one?  J/K of course.

I am getting ready to enter the new realm of a new schedule, every fourth weekend and very excited about it.  I will still work 30 hours a week which means picking up two Thursdays every month.  Less time with my son, but I will still hire someone to come here to hang out with him as I work.  I really need the consistency of family time as my husband still travels a lot of the time.  Weekends are the times that we can reconnect.  Change is rough though and I’m sure it’ll be a change for me.  Hopefully one that I will not regret by June!

Still nursing here 2-3 times a day and having quite a go of trying to stop.  I’m ready to stop.  He’s seemingly “getting” there.  It’s just taking longer than I thought and just as the moms who hate CIO and assume how terrible it is, just imagine rejecting your child wanting milk and everything EXTRA they get from breastfeeding and I think CIO suddenly becomes the lesser of two evils.  Seriously.  Hoping to be finished completely by August.  Hoping to be down to 1-2 times per day by next month.  Hoping that in itself will lead to my body’s inability to produce ANY and the gradual moving to milk from a sippy.  Please Lord let it be an easy transition for both.

TTC#2.  Sure.  Sounds nice.  Have friends already starting this and meeting with REs, charting and the like.  Me?  I am somehow wanting to shove my head in the sand and hope for an oops.  I do not want to go down that path of temping, cervial mucous land, and general OCD with TTC again.  It is NOT worth it.  It made the journey so much worse.  Having met someone that took ten years to conceive and her ability to avoid the whole infertility label was beyond me.  I envy her and her strength and her general belief she would have a biological child somehow.  Somehow happened and then another as though just being called mommy defined her into being the same to another child.  Who knows.

Other than that, I’m still dabbling in some new hobbies and doing a half marathon soon though I’m betting I’ll be walking most of it.

Baby was 19 lbs and some change and 29 inches long.  He’s 5-10% weight, 25% height, and 50% head.

Big brain.

the great dane and intimacy

Saturday was a good day because I was not working.  I do have to admit I am ready to have an every 4th weekend schedule rather than every other weekend (more weekdays and less weekends).  I feel disconnected from my husband because I don’t see him much.  When I do see him it’s usually for a minute without some sort of interruption.  We don’t have a lot of time to build intimacy.  I wonder if I need to see a counselor.  I’m starting to realize that I think I’m not a very intimate person but I want to be.  You know, I remember a guy breaking up with me because I wasn’t intimate enough…  isn’t that strange?  He wasn’t talking about sex.  He was talking about intimacy.  Hubby off to another place as we speak.  He was in Hollywood last week.  I do feel quite alone.

A baby comes along and things sort of…  blur into waiting until you have time alone.  You want that time to catch up on friends and emails and other things that used to take up your time.  I used to post on forums a lot.  Now, I don’t have the time and I don’t have much to say.  I wonder if this is what happened to those ladies I met in the past online who sort of “disappeared” after having a child?  I thought they felt weird talking to me, but I think what happens is you just lose all that extra time.  Plus what do you talk about?  The things that mostly take up my time involve the baby.  It’s brought life into perspective.  The things that seemed so important two years ago are not.  I just want a few things in life now:

1.  I want to be debt-free.  This is a goal that I want so bad.

2.  I want to wear a size 6/8 and be a consistent runner again.  I am really happy there and there.

3.  I want to have a better marriage.  It’s not bad… but it’s lacking things mostly because of me.

4.  I want to be more spiritual.

Those things are all attainable, but they are all WORK.  LOL  WORK AND WORK.  Debt-free means no shopping sprees, no new camera, no gadgets, etc…  Smaller size means less eating (I love food – so deprivation) and working out – sweating, you get it.  A better marriage means less focus on me.  Spirituality…  *sigh* more time there as well.

I have to want to work.

I called this the “great dane and intimacy” because on Saturday I was hanging out cleaning the house (lots of fun (not)… again, I need someone to do this for me but it goes against being debt-free) when hubby came in the house with my sheltie talking about a dog that had been dumped on our cul-de-sac.  Some maroon van drove up and literally pushed this huge great dane pup out of their vehicle and drove off.  The dog spent the next hours pacing around from house to house always trotting back to the very spot where he was dumped.  He had a collar with no id and a harness.  We couldn’t even get that close to him.  He was cold and scared.  How could someone do that?  Our neighbor called Animal Control and he was captured right before the temps dipped below freezing.

I was able to catch the lady who captured him and asked her, “Do you guys euthanize?”

“If he’s not aggressive, he’ll be adopted out if his owners don’t come get him in 7 days.”

Right.  The only thing I could do is contact Great Dane Rescue in our state and try to persuade them what a great dog he is and please go get him.

I do wish bad things on the owners of that maroon van.  You just don’t dump an animal.

herding me with his eyes

It’s the way I’m viewing my very old and arthritic best friend, Pate.  We were in a restaurant last night, and my husband pointed out an older and very obese gentleman saying, “That’s Pate.  Are you going to put HIM down?”  I was all ready to do it.  But, he’s not ready.  I’m not ready now.  He’s still eating.  He’s still drinking and wagging that tail when I pet him.  He still seems fairly happy.

When I leave he room, my sheltie does everything he can to follow me and to be in the same room.  He follows me about.  Once upon a time, he followed me literally.  Now he follows and herds me with his eyes.  I really do believe we are in the winter of his life.  There’s not much time, but the time I have I will continue to cherish.

I turned 36 recently.  36.  Is that possible?  I had a great day though had to work.

My son is now 10 months old.  It really does fly.  Time is this raging river rather than the slow stream of TTC.  Due to my age and hubby’s age, we are talking about TTC #2 soon.  I haven’t had a cycle yet, so it may be that there will be awhile before we can even consider without outside help.  I’m trying to vow this time around to not temp and chart and all the crazy things I did to make TTC one of the most unenjoyable experiences of my life.  Sometimes I think it is my personality, but not this time.  I refuse to become obsessed.  Do I need to bookmark this post to remember?

reaching out

It’s bizarre how things have unfolded in regards to my hubby’s father. He left my husband’s mother (Dee) when DH was about 3-4, maybe younger. Of course DH doesn’t remember. He left town for years while Dee continued to try to recoup some sort of child support. He was her 3rd husband. It was only 1970 or so.

After Dee passed away in 2004, I had this innate desire to find DH’s father. The last time DH had seen him was in 1985 when he just magically appeared where DH was working and said something about, “Oh there’s the Swede…” Of course, DH didn’t know who he was from the next guy so he said those words, “I’m your Dad.” DH says that he didn’t really know what to say at that point but to just stand there thinking about how he’d never paid any child support, leaving Dee all alone to do the big job herself.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago when the curiosity struck me again. And then ironically the Christmas card arrives in the mail. And now somehow DH’s sperm donor and I are emailing quite frequently. DH is aware and even wants to hear the exchanges. DH points out he doesn’t ask much about DH. I have interpreted him to be quite full of himself. Even though he’s seen pictures of L, he is still convinced since he is breastfed that he is hungry and needs a Playtex nurser with an “x” cut in the nipple and mix together fruit, cereal, and milk… he says he did this for all his kids (5 or more he claims) and they slept through the night at 6 weeks old. Ugh.

After leaving Dee, he married S. They had three more boys. He left her, too.

My mother is convinced I’m flirting with fire by even communicating. I feel that he is in his late 60s and know life is passing him by and he has lots of regrets. He mentions the word family a lot… I don’t want to be mean to him. There is no reason, really.

Thoughts?

hey cuz

I had a phone call from a distant family member yesterday, S. I thought it was strange that she called me but was excited to talk to her. She has a rather thick country accent (as opposed to a southern accent) and always makes me smile. Keep in mind my accent is rather thick, too, so for for ME to notice… she is REEEAAAALLLLY country.

“Hah, B,” S says with that accent. “How er oouuuuuu?”

And finally, “Ah reeealy wanted to meeeet dat liddle beebee, but Randeeeee kilt a deer’n it was eeether de beebee or de deer.”

In other words, she chose to see a dead dear over L. Seriously.

Are you sure you believe in genetics and being related?

Ramblings

Lucas is doing well breastfeeding but still not taking enough (an ounce total).  Believe me, just knowing that he’s getting it now is assurance enough.  Part of the whole issue of transitioning over time to exclusively breastfeeding is that I have the luxury now of knowing how much he gets per feeding… which I found out I overfeed mostly.  Anyway, that aside, as time goes on I may be able to transition where I don’t know how much he’s getting per nursing.  Interesting huh?  I track milliliters of breastmilk pumped, ounces of BM Lucas gets, and even wet and poopy diapers.  I’ve never been one to track anything like this, so it’s a bit out of my element.

We’ll see.  The freezer stash of BM continues to grow nicely.  Thinking of donating half of it to a lady in a neighboring county per my lactation consultant who is trying to relactate for an adoptive child.  Going to get that going by this Friday.  Too bad I don’t have a deep freezer.  Breastmilk is good for a year in one of those!

Father’s Day was nice for once to see the joy in hubby’s eyes.  His own father had no part in his life, so it’s nice that he’s breaking the cycle.  My own father went to see his mom with my mother.  I didn’t want to go — too far away.  Hubby went to Cincinnati over the weekend to see the Reds and Red Sox play.

Yep, he’s part of the Red Sox Nation.

The other situation is weight.  I have about 15-20 lbs I’d like to lose… 10 lbs to pre-pregnancy weight.  So, hoping to go on jogs in the evenings when hubby isn’t traveling.  I have some Billy Blanks dvds too to do Tai Bo.  We’ll see.  The big issue is my sweet tooth which is out of control.

That’s all for now.

There’s this crazy guy…

…that used to work for my Mom.  He was morbidly obese and on phent.ermine.  I remember he saying something about his behavior being a bit over-the-top, and she blamed it on the stimulant drug.  My Mom left her job because Dad relocated near me with his new job, and the crazy guy stayed at the job for about another two weeks.  He walked out himself on his own with no notice or anything.  Supposidly three different women asked him to do something with a patient, and he got mad that a “woman” was telling him what to do.  He didn’t like my Mom either…

He wrote her an evil email, and my Mom let me have a copy of it.

It takes a lot not to track his arse down and strangle him!

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Do you know how pathetic you are? Someone of your age going around and always playing little childish, foolish games. And don’t think for a second that all of those people that you tried so hard to build loyalty in with your personal vendettas really liked you. They talked about you all the time and made fun of you behind your back-even L. who gave that tearful speech about you. Well, let me tell you something, you did not intimidate me in the least-and you damn sure didn’t impress me. I have worked for supervisors who know what they are doing and you did not even come close. The only thing I saw you do was to pass work on and clients on that you did not want to see. And then brag about your productivity level of 170% OR whatever it was. Where did that get you? That means you were just a big whore for the company. Did you get paid any extra? And by the way, I told Dr. G and M. everything you said about them and the company.

I think you were trying to compensate for your lack of ability as a therapist and supervisor. I mean, my God, learn how to correctly use the DSM IV-TR. Your notes went on and on about irrelevant things. You need to learn to incorporate –What you did in the session–which was probably nothing.

And then, the day you come into my office whining about being a cancer survivor as an excuse for your lack of professional behavior. Well, if you want to know the truth…I hope your cancer eats you alive slowly like a buzzard picking at an animal.

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There’s a lot of hate in the world. For sure.