the race…

There is this race that I participated in… now in hindsight I am able to admit this.  You get involved with an online community, several in fact, and log in day after day after day trying to see who is pregnant now and when will it be your own turn to post “BFP!”  Three years ago this June I joined in on this race and did fairly well… if graded on speed.  Now in hindsight I am able to see very clearly how my journey wasn’t so out of the ordinary.  Not only that but hurt I felt during the process was mostly self made.  That was a hard thing to admit back then; easy now.  It’s easy now because I have a kid.  The thing that I yearned more than my next breath of air is living and breathing and growing… and I’m in amazement.  Is it everything I thought it would be?  Honestly?  I had no idea.  I spent so much time analyzing the home pregnancy tests and how early I could take one along with methods of getting pregnant that I didn’t even research having a baby.

Imagine my amazement the other day when I asked my son half-heartedly, “Where’s your balloon?”  I had bought him two dozen balloons for his birthday and only one is left.  We had played with it the day before, and though I knew where it was I just wondered if he understood me.  I’m trying to stop using words like suck, crap, shut up, and so forth (good luck with that one) and asked him… “Where is your balloon?”

He looked up.  He found it.  He pointed to it.

Goodness.  He knows the word balloon.

I asked him, “Where’s your dog?”  My brains was flying.  What had I missed?  Have I not given him any credit at all for being a smart boy?  I have very much underestimated this little guy.

He stopped and pointed to one of the three dogs we have.  “Dah.”  He said.

“Was that dog?”  I said outloud.  Of course it wasn’t.

“Dah.”  He said again.

Good Lord.  Maybe I need to be more like the mother I know who claims her child says all sorts of things, and of course I don’t believe her… give this little guy some credit.

Crap.

I meant oops.

The race for #2 is on with some other women I know.  I’m choosing to not join up in the race.  I’m not preventing, but I’m not going to do what I did last time and sell my happiness and soul for just one BFP.  I just want to be happy day to day… and live day to day.  Not going there!

catching up…

How’s it going?  How’s life treating you?  Are you enjoying spring?  I feel as though last summer was a blur and that I was in perpetual hibernation with a newborn.  This summer will be long overdue as it will seem as though it will be the first summer in two years.  I do understand why women who have their first child seeemingly fall off the planet, much less have two as my dear friend Janna has now adopted two girls.  I wonder if she has time AT all since I complain about the time suck of one?  J/K of course.

I am getting ready to enter the new realm of a new schedule, every fourth weekend and very excited about it.  I will still work 30 hours a week which means picking up two Thursdays every month.  Less time with my son, but I will still hire someone to come here to hang out with him as I work.  I really need the consistency of family time as my husband still travels a lot of the time.  Weekends are the times that we can reconnect.  Change is rough though and I’m sure it’ll be a change for me.  Hopefully one that I will not regret by June!

Still nursing here 2-3 times a day and having quite a go of trying to stop.  I’m ready to stop.  He’s seemingly “getting” there.  It’s just taking longer than I thought and just as the moms who hate CIO and assume how terrible it is, just imagine rejecting your child wanting milk and everything EXTRA they get from breastfeeding and I think CIO suddenly becomes the lesser of two evils.  Seriously.  Hoping to be finished completely by August.  Hoping to be down to 1-2 times per day by next month.  Hoping that in itself will lead to my body’s inability to produce ANY and the gradual moving to milk from a sippy.  Please Lord let it be an easy transition for both.

TTC#2.  Sure.  Sounds nice.  Have friends already starting this and meeting with REs, charting and the like.  Me?  I am somehow wanting to shove my head in the sand and hope for an oops.  I do not want to go down that path of temping, cervial mucous land, and general OCD with TTC again.  It is NOT worth it.  It made the journey so much worse.  Having met someone that took ten years to conceive and her ability to avoid the whole infertility label was beyond me.  I envy her and her strength and her general belief she would have a biological child somehow.  Somehow happened and then another as though just being called mommy defined her into being the same to another child.  Who knows.

Other than that, I’m still dabbling in some new hobbies and doing a half marathon soon though I’m betting I’ll be walking most of it.

Baby was 19 lbs and some change and 29 inches long.  He’s 5-10% weight, 25% height, and 50% head.

Big brain.

happy birthday little man

A year ago today you entered the world bright red yet staring at me with those almond eyes.  Your head was long and misshapen from the birth, and your lungs were working hard to try to breathe properly.  You eventually had to spend a little over a week in the NICU to get ready for the world.

Ready you are.

You can say “Ma ma and da da” along with many other consonants – Ga, Go, Gu, Tsu, Ts, S, Na, No, Doo, Do, etc…

You can pull up and stand unsupported.

You crawl everywhere.  There are often races of me running to close a cabinet prior to you reaching the unforbidden area.

You sleep through the night.  Bliss.

You have a little bit of a temper.  You have some personality coming through.

You wave hi and bye.

You can blow a kiss, almost.

You point to things you want.

You have tantrums, sometimes.

You are a nursing champion!

You like to eat what momma is eating.

You cry for both momma and daddy.  I’m glad to see that you’ve bonded with hubby as well as me.

You are not a big eater.  Hmm…  not like his mother!

You squint your eyes when looking at someone sometimes.  It’s really different in that I cannot figure out what you are thinking or what it means.

I’m glad to celebrate this wonderful birthday with you, little man.  What a wonderful year it has been…

herding me with his eyes

It’s the way I’m viewing my very old and arthritic best friend, Pate.  We were in a restaurant last night, and my husband pointed out an older and very obese gentleman saying, “That’s Pate.  Are you going to put HIM down?”  I was all ready to do it.  But, he’s not ready.  I’m not ready now.  He’s still eating.  He’s still drinking and wagging that tail when I pet him.  He still seems fairly happy.

When I leave he room, my sheltie does everything he can to follow me and to be in the same room.  He follows me about.  Once upon a time, he followed me literally.  Now he follows and herds me with his eyes.  I really do believe we are in the winter of his life.  There’s not much time, but the time I have I will continue to cherish.

I turned 36 recently.  36.  Is that possible?  I had a great day though had to work.

My son is now 10 months old.  It really does fly.  Time is this raging river rather than the slow stream of TTC.  Due to my age and hubby’s age, we are talking about TTC #2 soon.  I haven’t had a cycle yet, so it may be that there will be awhile before we can even consider without outside help.  I’m trying to vow this time around to not temp and chart and all the crazy things I did to make TTC one of the most unenjoyable experiences of my life.  Sometimes I think it is my personality, but not this time.  I refuse to become obsessed.  Do I need to bookmark this post to remember?

things…

I feel badly most days when the thought of this blog pops into my mind because I feel that I’ve neglected it so much. My intention was to never become one of those bloggers that let it go once the TTC phase passed; however, a baby really does change your life. There are not as many moments to silently ponder things or to vent. I find those times now usually while working, which I know isn’t being a good steward of my time. I try.

My son is doing great. One tooth popped through the second week of November, and he’s still trying to crawl. I really do approach all milestones with a pause button. I really want to pause life … right… here. Time pauses for no one. It’s a good thing during infertility because to pause there would be cruel but it includes the joyous times. Weddings pass like lightening. A funeral takes forever. The glass half full is a faster drink than the half empty, somehow.

We had some pictures taken again for our son’s 6 month photos though actually he is 7 months. I am doing more according to milestones than I am true age. Heck I could say that I’m correcting them a month anyway since he was a month early. It’s working out like that anyway. In the process of this photo thing, I have decided to try to invest in a new lens for my Nikon D40. Yes, I’d love to have a D300 or something HUGE and EXPENSIVE; however, this lens at around $350.00 will turn my camera into something better without buying a new body. I can’t wait to get it. It may be a little while. Maybe Christmas?

I took this one with my Nikon D40 with its current lens. Nothing special… but just wait!  The new lens will do a lot more for me than my current one does.

Anyway, suffice it to say now that the days are growing darker faster, there is not a lot to do. The days are short and the holidays are approaching yet again.

Anyway, I hope to blog more often and sorry for the spotty posts.  There are a lot of things on my mind and it really helps to journal.

cio to sleepytown

It is 8:05 am.

I hate the phrase “cry it out.” It seems to evoke a whole slew of responses from different women online, but what I find is that generally no one really lets a baby “cry it out” completely. Right now, I’m sitting here blogging and trying to block out our son’s cry. I have a timer here and at 7 months now going through a new way to try to encourage him to learn to go to sleep when tired. It’s a tough process. Every five minutes I will go into his room and assure him without picking him up. His cry isn’t desperate. It’s amazing how he is already communicating though not with words. He tends to sleep better when swaddled; however, swaddling has been modified to only keep his arms down by his side. I’m finding now though that he can put a pacifier into his own mouth that I should somehow help him do this when he wants that comforting and it’s not about needing something to eat. It’s amazing how at 7 months he can already use a little drama to capture my attention and heart.

Pausing to go check on him.

It’s 8:23 am. As usual when trying to walk away from a crying baby, I fail. It’s so easy to see why. I almost believe there is something biologically innate about the mother’s desire to comfort her baby. So, as usual I gave in to the straight jacket swaddle (as I call it) swaddling his arms down only, legs and hips free to move and lay him again on his back. I give him his mam pacifier and lay my hand on his chest barely moving him back and forth while making a shhh sound repeatedly. Very similar to the womb sounds that are on a recording I have on my iPod. I watch his little eyes grow heavy as he really fights sleep. They open wide again making sure I’m still there. He makes little wimpering noises but I know if he keeps the pacifier in his mouth, he will drift off faster than not. He’s not a pacifier baby requiring one all the time as other babies I know. It’s a hit or miss. Today a hit. He’s asleep now. He took that deep breath he takes right before succumbing to “Sleepy Town,” as I call it.

“They are waiting for you in Sleepy Town, little man…..”

happy halloween

fall walks begin

It’s the time of year I love, the changing of the seasons, and the crisp smell in the air.  I do not like that fall ushers in winter, but I will enjoy the next three months as well as possible.  I’ve been on many walks in the past couple of weeks still trying to lose more weight.  I will say that having a baby really does change your body.  Breastfeeding keeps you from getting too aggressive with working out unless of course you are one of the lucky with a small chest.  I can barely walk fast much less run as I would like.  Walking works though.  Decrease the caloric intake and stroll.  Weight will come off.

Here’s little man this past weekend.  What a sweetie he’s become.  He can now put his feet in his mouth, sit up unsupported (not 100%), roll over, and babbles constantly.

ok, it’s not daycare…

I just survived my first day working upstairs with a nanny downstairs.  She is only here once per week as the other 2 days I work during the week is my husband’s and mother’s responsibility.  It wasn’t so bad, except I’m joyfully happy to announce that he’s nursing.  He’s been refusing bottles for two days, but today he DID take one bottle from her.  I have to make sure he does that or I will be tied down and possibly complaining for a whole new reason.  I don’t want to do that.

She was a great nanny.  She was young and seemed to have a lot more energy than me.  I can say that meeting her and seeing her hold my little one made me realize how much more twenty somethings were made to have children.  It’s hard as a thirty something sometimes.  I can’t explain it, but I’m tired a lot and all the running I did earlier in life has my back hurting at times.  I wish I could hire her for months…  But, she’s through a staffing agency and as soon as she finds the full-time position she is looking for, I’ll be a second thought (I’m only one day a week).

..

Yesterday was Lucas’ 4 month appointment.  He weighed 14 lbs 12 oz (25-50%) and length was _________ (will fill this in later) (25-50%).  His head circumference was also 25-50%.  He’s grown!

4 month stats and such

I should do a better job here keeping up with L’s stats.  Without further adieu:

Weight:  14 lbs, 12 oz (25-50%)

Length:  24 3/4 inches (same)

Head:  42 cm (same)