The Journey
Stumbling about in a fog on the internet this morning, I found an eloquently put story that I wanted to share:
The Journey
by Mindy Wilsford
Copyright
© 2003 Mindy WilsfordBefore we go through a loss like this, we assume that grief is like falling into a deep hole. We think we will start climbing a ladder and as we get closer to the top things start getting brighter and brighter and we keep feeling better and better until we finally step out into the sunshine where the birds are singing and beautiful music is playing and our grief is over and we are then officially “over it”.
Instead, I have found it is like being plunked down into the middle of a mountain range. We start on the top, with the breath taking view,when life is wonderful. We are just walking along, basking in the sun and the beautiful scenery when suddenly we fall off a cliff. Now weare lying in a deep, deep valley: bruised, confused, hurt, scared, and lonely. We soon realize that there is no easy way out, no rescue insight. The only way out is to do it ourselves.
So we start working our way up the mountainside, sometimes walking, sometimes crawling, and often stumbling. It is very hard, very discouraging, and very exhausting work. Finally we reach the top and see the sun again for a while. Maybe the top will be flat and we’ll get to spend a little time up there enjoying it, or maybe it is very steep and as soon as we get there we have to start back down the otherside into the next valley again.
The one thing we notice is that there are mountains as far as the eye can see. Somehow, we have to make our way through them if we are ever to get out. That thought can be overwhelming and cause us to give up for a while. But eventually we realize once again that the only way out is to keep going, so we start again: down one mountain and up the next. And sometimes on the journey, after a particularly hard stretch, we think, “I’m so glad I finally made it through that.” And then we stop and look around and realize that we’ve been here before! All this work and we’ve gone in a circle and we’re going to have to do it all again!
And sometimes as we are climbing, we look up to see if we are getting any closer to the top, and we see a boulder heading our way. If we are fortunate, we manage to avoid it. But usually we can’t, and it hits us head on and sends us tumbling back down to the bottom.
Sometimes when we are in the deepest part of the valley, we just sit, exhausted. And we might notice some things around us that we never saw before: flowers and animals and a gentle breeze in the cool of the valley. There is a world down in the valley that we never even knew existed, and there is beauty in it.
And sometimes at night, when all is quiet, we can hear the others who are in the valley weeping. And it is then that we realize that we are not alone, that others are making this journey too. And we realize that we share an understanding of the journey and of the world of the valley that most others don’t. And it gives us strength to start the climb all over again.
Sometimes as we are climbing the mountain, a helicopter may come by with some of our friends in it. Seeing us struggling up the mountain, they shout encouraging things like, “I know just what you’re going through; I went on a hike once.” And “At least you have your other kids to make this climb so much easier.” And “You are so strong; I know I couldn’t make this climb.” Or they ask, “When will you finally get over these mountains and be yourself again?”
And we try to tell them about the journey and the world of the valley, but the sound of the helicopter drowns us out and they can’t hear us.They throw down some food to give us energy, and it does, but some of it just pelts us on the head and makes the climb even harder. And then they leave, and we breathe a sigh of relief that we can get back to our climb in peace.
As we make this journey, we start to notice that we are becoming alittle bit stronger. When we get to the rough patches we now see that we are shaken but don’t always fall. We find that sometimes we can walk upright now, instead of just crawling. And sometimes we can see a rough spot ahead and manage to find a better way around it. And once in a while we crest a mountain and see that the top is very flat and very beautiful, and we get to spend quite a while resting and recovering on the top before starting down again. And we notice that we are getting closer to the edge of the mountains; they seem to be getting a little smaller. The mountains are not as tall, and the valleys are not as low or as wide. In fact, we can now see the foothills, and it gives us hope.
And throughout this journey, we see the others who are traveling it as well, sometimes at a distance, and sometimes up close. And we encourage each other to keep going and to watch out for certain things. We talk about the journey and the world of the valley. Finally, someone else who understands! And we cry together when it is just too hard. And sometimes, we catch a glimpse of someone who has made it to the foothills. And we are so excited for them, and we become even more determined to keep going because someday, we too, will make it to the foothills.
So my point is this: everyone starts on a different mountain. No two journeys are the same. Some people spend a lot of time in the valley at first, and some have more time on top of the mountain. But we will all be both on the mountains and in the valleys. And we will all someday make it to the foothills. I promise.
I’m crying to the Lord in my trouble please save me from my distress…
The past two weeks have been the darkest of my life save for my wonderful husband and friends who continue to try to encourage me to stay strong and keep the faith. I continually hear myself encouraging myself mentally that miscarriage is common. Miscarriage is common. Miscarriage is common. Yet, my pain is not common. It’s destroying me day by day. I hope to not be reacting to this incorrectly – I hope this does NOT mean I don’t trust God. I am trying to trust every day.
Psalm 107
BOOK V : Psalms 107-150
1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.2 Let the redeemed of the LORD say this—
those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,3 those he gathered from the lands,
from east and west, from north and south. [a]4 Some wandered in desert wastelands,
finding no way to a city where they could settle.5 They were hungry and thirsty,
and their lives ebbed away.6 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.7 He led them by a straight way
to a city where they could settle.8 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men,9 for he satisfies the thirsty
and fills the hungry with good things.10 Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,11 for they had rebelled against the words of God
and despised the counsel of the Most High.12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.13 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.14 He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom
and broke away their chains.15 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men,16 for he breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron.17 Some became fools through their rebellious ways
and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.18 They loathed all food
and drew near the gates of death.19 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.20 He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave.21 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of his works with songs of joy.23 Others went out on the sea in ships;
they were merchants on the mighty waters.24 They saw the works of the LORD,
his wonderful deeds in the deep.25 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
that lifted high the waves.26 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
in their peril their courage melted away.27 They reeled and staggered like drunken men;
they were at their wits’ end.28 Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.29 He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.30 They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.31 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.32 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
and praise him in the council of the elders.33 He turned rivers into a desert,
flowing springs into thirsty ground,34 and fruitful land into a salt waste,
because of the wickedness of those who lived there.35 He turned the desert into pools of water
and the parched ground into flowing springs;36 there he brought the hungry to live,
and they founded a city where they could settle.37 They sowed fields and planted vineyards
that yielded a fruitful harvest;38 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
and he did not let their herds diminish.39 Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
by oppression, calamity and sorrow;40 he who pours contempt on nobles
made them wander in a trackless waste.41 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
and increased their families like flocks.42 The upright see and rejoice,
but all the wicked shut their mouths.43 Whoever is wise, let him heed these things
and consider the great love of the LORD.
I’m not a big fan of using The Message Bible as a study bible but to just add another way to read the same passage:
1-3 Oh, thank God—he’s so good! His love never runs out.
All of you set free by God, tell the world!
Tell how he freed you from oppression,
Then rounded you up from all over the place,
from the four winds, from the seven seas.4-9 Some of you wandered for years in the desert,
looking but not finding a good place to live,
Half-starved and parched with thirst,
staggering and stumbling, on the brink of exhaustion.
Then, in your desperate condition, you called out to God.
He got you out in the nick of time;
He put your feet on a wonderful road
that took you straight to a good place to live.
So thank God for his marvelous love,
for his miracle mercy to the children he loves.
He poured great draughts of water down parched throats;
the starved and hungry got plenty to eat.10-16 Some of you were locked in a dark cell,
cruelly confined behind bars,
Punished for defying God’s Word,
for turning your back on the High God’s counsel—
A hard sentence, and your hearts so heavy,
and not a soul in sight to help.
Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;
he got you out in the nick of time.
He led you out of your dark, dark cell,
broke open the jail and led you out.
So thank God for his marvelous love,
for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;
He shattered the heavy jailhouse doors,
he snapped the prison bars like matchsticks!17-22 Some of you were sick because you’d lived a bad life,
your bodies feeling the effects of your sin;
You couldn’t stand the sight of food,
so miserable you thought you’d be better off dead.
Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;
he got you out in the nick of time.
He spoke the word that healed you,
that pulled you back from the brink of death.
So thank God for his marvelous love,
for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;
Offer thanksgiving sacrifices,
tell the world what he’s done—sing it out!23-32 Some of you set sail in big ships;
you put to sea to do business in faraway ports.
Out at sea you saw God in action,
saw his breathtaking ways with the ocean:
With a word he called up the wind—
an ocean storm, towering waves!
You shot high in the sky, then the bottom dropped out;
your hearts were stuck in your throats.
You were spun like a top, you reeled like a drunk,
you didn’t know which end was up.
Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;
he got you out in the nick of time.
He quieted the wind down to a whisper,
put a muzzle on all the big waves.
And you were so glad when the storm died down,
and he led you safely back to harbor.
So thank God for his marvelous love,
for his miracle mercy to the children he loves.
Lift high your praises when the people assemble,
shout Hallelujah when the elders meet!33-41 God turned rivers into wasteland,
springs of water into sunbaked mud;
Luscious orchards became alkali flats
because of the evil of the people who lived there.
Then he changed wasteland into fresh pools of water,
arid earth into springs of water,
Brought in the hungry and settled them there;
they moved in—what a great place to live!
They sowed the fields, they planted vineyards,
they reaped a bountiful harvest.
He blessed them and they prospered greatly;
their herds of cattle never decreased.
But abuse and evil and trouble declined
as he heaped scorn on princes and sent them away.
He gave the poor a safe place to live,
treated their clans like well-cared-for sheep.42-43 Good people see this and are glad;
bad people are speechless, stopped in their tracks.
If you are really wise, you’ll think this over—
it’s time you appreciated God’s deep love.
I do appreciate God’s deep love. I appreciate what He has brought me through in my life. I appreciate this miscarriage experience and the darkness that has done some good in the midst of my deep sorrow. I try to reach out to others experiencing miscarriage, remembering the first pain of it, remembering the dying dream, and trying to find hope again and trust in what God has promised. I am thankful for the empathy I have earned in this process. I am thankful for learning thankfulness in others’ happiness in finding out they are pregnant – though I fail at this one the most.
I am thankful for the God I serve for I know He loves me and has not turned His back on my husband and me. He will honor us with a child one day.
In the meantime, I posted here awhile back that I had changed jobs in March. I have been so miserable since then – dreaming about committing suicide at night, waking up at 3am with the inability to sleep, complete negativity where I work now, and the hopelessness of knowing the mistake I have made. I want to be still in this and hear God say do this… do that… He never does it that way for me. I wish He did! I promise I would listen! Instead I have to beg and pray for direction and hope that I’m doing the right thing. In the meantime, I have contacted my former employer to ask about going back to my old job. I know it’s a long shot only because the company has just been bought by someone new and when I had left we were in the midst of layoffs and changes with decrease in work. I miscarried. I wanted to change my surroundings. I so regret doing that… so now I will try to find something else. I cannot work weekends and holidays… I don’t mind it, but I would prefer not to. I cannot work a lot of overtime. My new boss is pressuring us greatly to pick up more shifts, almost threatening if we don’t. I didn’t sign up for overtime when I took the job. I can barely handle 40 hours a week – I cry everyday… and they want more.
Please God… please hear my cry today. Please answer my prayers. Please help me find happiness in my work. I want a baby so bad, but in the meantime, I want happiness in my job. Maybe You want me to get my mind off of trying to conceive and think about other things, but right now I need to find a new situation — preferably my original situation back at my old job where there is a comfort zone for me. I really need You God to help me because I have no plan, no hope in my own abilities, and feel so lost.
Cycle 7; 11 dpo
I couldn’t sleep this morning and woke up at 4:45am. My temp dropped along with my heart, but I took two more HPTs with FMU and they were darker. Now I just have to pray that this little guy will stick. That it will get nestled in there good and start to grow as it should. Please don’t let me continue to get my hopes up for nothing… but as I tell every single person that I meet on FF that has a chemical or early miscarriage – it’s a good sign – egg and sperm CAN meet. For me, that’s a positive. I wasn’t devastated in October from the little chemical. In fact, it brought me more hope. If I have a chemical this month though – the story will darken.
Do I get a beta or not get a beta? I really don’t want one. Time is what will tell me without going through that… I’m going to call the doctor’s office today and tell them I got a positive HPT.
I bought a digital test yesterday that had two cartridges and believe it or not could not follow the instructions well enough to do it right. RUINED them both… so I have to go buy more of those today. Fun fun. I have one FRER and one blue dye cvs test left today. Yesterday I bought 4 equates, 3 FRERs, 2 blue dye, and 2 digital. I’m burning through them.
My due date would be 9/10/07 by ovulation date. I’m hopeful and praying this works out.
Please stick… please don’t let this be a miscarriage or a chemical. I don’t want to go through that again… but it’s so early!!! I’m only 3 weeks 4 days pregnant. That’s soooo early.
Yesterday’s HPT:
Today’s HPT:
It’s darker. Temp dropped but test is darker.
Hang in there….
Cycle 7; 9 DPO
Well here I am back where I was in October… Halloween to be exact when my hubby was out-of-town and I went for a walk with the neighbors for trick-or-treating and by the next weekend AF came in full force. It was sad, but it did give me hope. I had no real proof of a BFP, but the temps were higher than usual and pre-ovulation temps higher the next cycle… and oh yeah, a day late on ovulation. I was hopeful in November because of the old wives’ tale of the body being ready now since you were sorta pregnant. Well it didn’t happen.
But then December rolls around. Ovulation will be on hubby’s birthday probably. Monitor came in the mail from a dear friend on FF. Thanks Renee! I had the HSG on CD 8 or so… and hubby’s SA came back normal with maybe a borderline motility issue. Doctor put him on some antibiotics to rule out inflammation, etc… I bought some Vitex 500mg capsules and take three twice daily. A friend of mine, Carrie, did that the cycle she got her BFP. I thought – it can’t hurt.
Here’s my regimen this month:
1. Vitex 1500mg twice daily
2. GNC Vitamin B Complex Super 1 daily
3. Aspirin 81mg 1 daily
4. Flinstones – 2 daily – because I love ‘em
5. EPO 1000mg three times a day AF to Ovulation
I think that’s it.
HSGs are supposed to increase fertility for up to 4 cycles.
Anyway, I tested today and see a faint line.
Cycle 7; 1 DPO
Cycle 7; CD 14
I finally got a peak on the monitor today and we BD at 1am this morning. We’ll go once more tomorrow – which is my hubby’s birthday… happy 39th!! I’m looking forward to clomid next cycle… surely that’ll increase my odds a bit.
Though the HSG was supposed to increase my odds…
Swim swimmers swim….
Cycle 7; CD 11
HSG complete and all clear. SA complete with 50% motility which is borderline low. Had a urologist appt today and going to do a run of 30 days of Doxycycline for DH. Started the GNC vitamins, etc… more later…
HIGH on the monitor… Got to get it goin’ on.
Cycle 7; CD 8 – HSG
I had my first ever HSG today. It was a piece of cake, and I am grateful for that. I really expected more pain, but feel that AF packs a bigger punch. Everything is normal. My tubes are open, my uterus is nice, and it was nice to see the dye move. The tech commented that it was the fastest HSG that she’s ever participated in… almost textbook.
“I’m surprised you aren’t pregnant.”
Yeah, me, too.
We’re heading to the urologist on Thursday to discuss DH’s SA results. 72 mill/mL. 2.5mL. Morphology normal. Motility 50% (told was low though WHO labs say over 50% is normal).
Anyway….
It’s tough thinking how I’ll feel a week from now… entering my seventh two week wait.
I’m tired of waiting.
Moving to clomid next cycle.
Cycle 7; CD 1
Another cycle. Another tear. Another period. Another cramp.
SA came back… 72 million count
morph normal
volume normal
motility 50%
HSG on Monday – a week from today. I’m taking a break from temping. I think. We’ll see…
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