Savoring every moment

I have not been very good at updating on doctor’s appointments.  I guess the reason is that I’m sort of coasting through this… hoping to not become too attached (or rather that was before the 20 week ultrasound which kicked on the attachment).  Attachment is something that I need not fear anymore.  I cannot protect my heart from any sort of bad news or things that could happen.  In this life, that is what happens – bad things and good things.  The bad things test our faith – and what is faith that has not weathered some sort of storm?  How can you know what your faith is unless it has been tested?  I hate the testing, truly I do, but I do like looking back in hindsight and seeing what the testing did for me. 

In my case it’s the anxiety of TTC and the early loss of a pregnancy with the return to TTC again with even more anxiety.  Yes, I brought a lot of it own myself in that I was viewing the glass half empty.  I was seeing all the negative.  My advanced maternal age, hubby’s age, the lack of getting pregnant IMMEDIATELY.  Temping.  BBT.  Pee sticks.  Ovulation kits.  Crazy herbs.  Femara.  Clomid.  Whatever I could get my hands on to help along the process.  I made the process harder.

I don’t want to make the last 7 weeks left awful with worry of a third trimester loss.  But, it can happen – which breaks my heart (for Natalie and Den).  But the most poignant thing Natalie has said is that she savored every moment and though she dreads the next pregnancy in the innocence lost, she savored Devin’s pregnancy to its fullest.  She had every bellyshot, doctor’s appointments galore, and every bit of chronicle possible of his beginning and now his departure.  I think my early loss helped construct that wall I built in most of my pregnancy.  I refused to allow my parents to discuss the possibility that this baby could make it to 12 weeks.  How could I get my hopes up?  Every day was just another day.

I do pray for Natalie and her family to get through this hard time and all the steps of grief that will come her way all at once or silently one at a time.  But more than that pray that the next time (there HAS to be a next time) that somehow she can resavor again something so special and sweet and have the outcome that every single person deserves.  (And how much more deserving someone who has tried for so long and ached for a miracle?)  I pray maybe for that extra miracle of not needing RE services again.  I pray for healing for them. 

So today’s doctor appointment for me went well.  Hubby came with me this time.  Heartbeat in the 140’s.  I felt his head as did hubby when the doctor showed me he was indeed HEAD DOWN (oh happy joy on that!).  Doctor told me to start kick counting especially when hubby mentioned my anxiety in the past few days after hearing the loss of Natalie’s Devin.  It’s affected me so much.  But truly deeply kick counting may give someone a heads’ up perhaps, but just as a doppler, what can you do really?  What will be sometimes will be.  I measured 34 cm – 34 weeks?  We discussed pediatrician care, circumcision, and the like.  My weight was up a lb in 2 weeks.  The visit before that up 1 lb in three weeks.  Hoping I’ve slowed it down.

 The nursery walls are now painted and wallpaper border is up.  Hubby worked all weekend on it.  I cleaned like a maniac and now my fingernails are peeling from the dryness.

Here are some nursery pics – no furniture here yet still.  Which is cool with me!

Here’s hubby finally starting the painting…

This is major.  We’ve really procrastinated and since he won’t let me paint due to the ammonia fumes… or whatever.  It’s all him.

Paint samples…

Yes, at 30 weeks we’ve moved on to paint samples.  Nope, still no furniture yet, yep- still no rush!  I love that I’m not a big nester…  and that I’m not freaking out about things.  I doubt these do any sort of justice to the colors we are trying to choose.  These don’t really show the difference, but it’s a start.  The bottom half of the wall will be a brown/neutral color and the top half a blue.  What shade of each is the question:

1.  Light brown and light blue – looks ok here, but actually my least favorite choice on the wall.  Separating the two colors is a border that is an exact match to the colors.

 

2.  I think this is the light blue and darker brown  (my favorite)

3.  Dark blue and dark brown

I like the light blue and darker tan.  We’ll see what hubby says when he gets home.

Cribs and such…

Hopefully if all works out we will get the crib and two pieces ordered by the end of the month.  I’m waiting on a couple of things because I absolutely will not put things like this on credit of any kind.  I figure if I have to charge it, I’m only borrowing from my future.  Lord knows I don’t need to owe any more money to anyone else.  In the past 3 years, hubby and I paid off all MY credit card debt.  He married me knowing I owed 30K in credit cards.  Idiot me, I know.  I also had two student loans.  One at 50K and the other at 14K.  Go Pharmacy.  All the credit card debt is gone and now the 14K debt is gone.  All that is left is the 47K in student loans and house.  I hate debt.  It binds me down for sure… slave to the lender and all that jazz.  Hoping my son doesn’t make the same mistakes I did in college with BLOWING money.  Maybe he’ll take after his grandfather (my father) and be good with money.  Real good.

Trying to decide between a Munire set and another set that is TOO high in my opinion…  but it’s made SO well.  Going with a chicco travel system for carseat and stroller. 

Two baby showers are set – Feb 24 and April 5. 

We’re in the last trimester starting this week…  glad about it though because of our ages and places in life this may be our only child.  Our family may be complete with him.

Yes.  Still nameless.