lost
I have to admit that lately I tend to spend a lot of time alone. I’m not truly alone because my son is around (14 mos now) but alone in my house. My husband does travel quite a bit, much more than I thought originally when he took the job, but it is what it is. I suppose I could be sitting here complaining away about him being unemployed. That would definitely be worse.
I am missing something in my marriage for awhile now. Something that I somehow have to change or we will continue down this course that would lead to further alienation. Last night I got the comment that I spend too much time on the internet and my new passion for photography. I cannot win.
Of course if you have found this blog and you know me, keep in mind that you are one of the only few to have this address. I try not to publicize this and think many times that I should figure out a way to make this blog completely invisible so that I can just journal away. I don’t really want some of my thoughts known, I don’t think. But, then maybe sometimes I think that someone else has been there and might leave a comment that sort of rescues me, sort to speak.
Let’s talk about my sitcom of a life. I’m sitting here right now in the same exact spot where I work for 35 hours a week. I miss human contact and interaction. I get bored. I get distracted. I surf the web sometimes when it gets so bad, but I find myself following the path on the web of just wasting more and more time. I sit here and stare at a screen, even now, and I wonder what am I missing here in real life? Is it really my fault that there is very little intimacy or touch in my marriage?
I wrote a poem once when I was married before called “Last on the List.” Sometimes I wish I could find that poem again because I bet that I feel the same as I did back then, which scares me. Was it that he was really that bad of a husband or is it that I truly have intimacy issues and this is merely proof of a pattern?
I don’t know. I don’t know where to begin. We love each other. We are best friends.
But, I’m tired of laying down at night and just laying there while the TV is on and he drifts off to sleep without even a touch or caress. I feel utterly alone. I refuse to initiate any more. It’s not my job. Is that part of the problem?
Gosh, I’m sad right now. And very lost on where to begin.
Sometimes I wish I could just pack all my things and just escape for a long long time.
Which is worse. Being alone when no one else is around or being/feeling alone when people are around? Really think about that. That’s a tough one. Expectations in others kill. Ungratefulness kills. But acceptance brings peace and gratefulness brings happiness.
Your right, you might be the problem too, but can you be honest with yourself? And what can you accept in others? Only you can answer that.
Oh Bethie. I know and understand what you’re saying so much. I spend most of my free time on my laptop or reading. My husband spends most of his free time watching TV. When I try to “relax” with him it just amounts to watching TV together. But then when we try to “spend time together” doing something else, we’re a bit lost because we don’t actually enjoy the same recreational activities. And we absolutely can not do home improvement activities together. It’s rough. I don’t think I have any advice really. I can however say that I know that, beyond recognizing the problem, we have to take ACTIVE steps to resolve it. Which, at least in my experience, can’t just be verbalizing the problem to the husband repeatedly, because then they just wish we would stop talking so that they can unmute the TV. Rather we (unfortunately) have to be the clever ones to plan joint activities that allow us to bond instead of staying in our well worn ruts. Not fair the burden is on us. You’ll have about as much luck selling that as the snake oil though. ((HUGS))
I completely get this post, and honestly, could have written it myself. I’m tired of having to initiate, and I find myself wondering if he even misses that intimacy. I think “Me” said it correctly…we have to take active steps to resolve it…to figure out how to work on reconnecting outside the bedroom. And hopefully when that reconnection happens it will spill over into the bedroom. Now, I haven’t figured out how to do that yet, so I’m in the same boat as you, feeling alone, tired, and sad. Praying for you, my friend!
I understand. Our marriage has been through the ringer lately with everything and it’s just hard. I have no assvice, just wanted to let you know that while it may not feel this way, your not alone. ((hugs))
I am sorry Bethie you are going through this. DH and I went through the thing of us both just living on the internet and we have both just stopped getting online at home. We are doing more “outdoor” things with the kids. I hope you feel better soon.