just thoughts today

I find myself at times really wanting to sit down with the laptop and just express all the thoughts I have during the day.  Thoughts of rushing to get things done.  Like now where my laundry is in the washing machine mildowy from not finishing what I started, a living room that I need to finish as far as getting some doors installed, and the current battle with the ants that have made a point of realizing a baby is in the house who drops crumbs everywhere.  Fun stuff!  I do mean this seriously.

What I am having a hard time with is the constant letting go from day one of bring my son home.  I have to let go of the baby who was 100% dependent on me to learning how to move around, including walking, and wanting to feed himself.  I notice that he seems to be able to self-feed to really be interested in food.  Every evening we have this ritual where he sits in his high chair and starts whining and throwing a fit about eating.  This is hard for someone like me who loves to eat more than just about anything.  I’ve squelched the appetite since January with the help of Weight Watchers, but I still love food.  Little man does not care for it.  Give him his sippy cup with whole milk, some fruit, and some puffs and he’s set.  I need to get another weight check done, but personally I believe he is gaining appropriately.  He’s getting heavier, no doubt.

Last night, little man wasn’t interested in nursing.  Wow.  I was crushed.  That’s the feelings I’m going through right now.  I do look forward to a return of myself.  BUT, I will miss this time.  I will miss this transition from baby to toddler as I already miss the baby that came home to me on April 15, 2008.  I miss the 3 month old who cooed.  I miss the 6 month old who could sit up.  I miss his gummy smile though I love all 8 of his teeth right now.  There are just so many things about this experience that have made me a better person.  I feel much more purpose in my life, and I’ve let go of a lot bitterness and negative issues in my life just from the sheer joy of a simple smile and the love I feel for a little boy that is more than I could have predicted.

Connecting with my husband is still a challenge.  He’s out-of-town all the time.  I’m alone with Little Man a lot.  I just sit here and play with him and as I said, rarely get anything done.

My job schedule is changing in the next month to every fourth weekend.  We’ll totally have more connection soon.