the race…

There is this race that I participated in… now in hindsight I am able to admit this.  You get involved with an online community, several in fact, and log in day after day after day trying to see who is pregnant now and when will it be your own turn to post “BFP!”  Three years ago this June I joined in on this race and did fairly well… if graded on speed.  Now in hindsight I am able to see very clearly how my journey wasn’t so out of the ordinary.  Not only that but hurt I felt during the process was mostly self made.  That was a hard thing to admit back then; easy now.  It’s easy now because I have a kid.  The thing that I yearned more than my next breath of air is living and breathing and growing… and I’m in amazement.  Is it everything I thought it would be?  Honestly?  I had no idea.  I spent so much time analyzing the home pregnancy tests and how early I could take one along with methods of getting pregnant that I didn’t even research having a baby.

Imagine my amazement the other day when I asked my son half-heartedly, “Where’s your balloon?”  I had bought him two dozen balloons for his birthday and only one is left.  We had played with it the day before, and though I knew where it was I just wondered if he understood me.  I’m trying to stop using words like suck, crap, shut up, and so forth (good luck with that one) and asked him… “Where is your balloon?”

He looked up.  He found it.  He pointed to it.

Goodness.  He knows the word balloon.

I asked him, “Where’s your dog?”  My brains was flying.  What had I missed?  Have I not given him any credit at all for being a smart boy?  I have very much underestimated this little guy.

He stopped and pointed to one of the three dogs we have.  “Dah.”  He said.

“Was that dog?”  I said outloud.  Of course it wasn’t.

“Dah.”  He said again.

Good Lord.  Maybe I need to be more like the mother I know who claims her child says all sorts of things, and of course I don’t believe her… give this little guy some credit.

Crap.

I meant oops.

The race for #2 is on with some other women I know.  I’m choosing to not join up in the race.  I’m not preventing, but I’m not going to do what I did last time and sell my happiness and soul for just one BFP.  I just want to be happy day to day… and live day to day.  Not going there!