lost

I have to admit that lately I tend to spend a lot of time alone.  I’m not truly alone because my son is around (14 mos now) but alone in my house.  My husband does travel quite a bit, much more than I thought originally when he took the job, but it is what it is.  I suppose I could be sitting here complaining away about him being unemployed.  That would definitely be worse. 

I am missing something in my marriage for awhile now.  Something that I somehow have to change or we will continue down this course that would lead to further alienation.  Last night I got the comment that I spend too much time on the internet and my new passion for photography.  I cannot win. 

Of course if you have found this blog and you know me, keep in mind that you are one of the only few to have this address.  I try not to publicize this and think many times that I should figure out a way to make this blog completely invisible so that I can just journal away.  I don’t really want some of my thoughts known, I don’t think.  But, then maybe sometimes I think that someone else has been there and might leave a comment that sort of rescues me, sort to speak.

Let’s talk about my sitcom of a life.  I’m sitting here right now in the same exact spot where I work for 35 hours a week.  I miss human contact and interaction.  I get bored.  I get distracted.  I surf the web sometimes when it gets so bad, but I find myself following the path on the web of just wasting more and more time.  I sit here and stare at a screen, even now, and I wonder what am I missing here in real life?  Is it really my fault that there is very little intimacy or touch in my marriage? 

I wrote a poem once when I was married before called “Last on the List.”  Sometimes I wish I could find that poem again because I bet that I feel the same as I did back then, which scares me.  Was it that he was really that bad of a husband or is it that I truly have intimacy issues and this is merely proof of a pattern? 

I don’t know.  I don’t know where to begin.  We love each other.  We are best friends. 

But, I’m tired of laying down at night and just laying there while the TV is on and he drifts off to sleep without even a touch or caress.  I feel utterly alone.  I refuse to initiate any more.  It’s not my job.  Is that part of the problem? 

Gosh, I’m sad right now.  And very lost on where to begin. 

Sometimes I wish I could just pack all my things and just escape for a long long time.

there’s nothing like running…

I have been getting back into running in a big way.  I set out to the local Fleet Feet and fell in love with a pair of Brooks.  Yes, they are ugly as hell, but they are great as far as my overprotenation, etc…  I also invested in a great running bra, some inserts, and some non-cotton socks.  Apparently cotton socks are not so good on running feet.  I went out this morning to do what I thought was a 5K but ended up being short of 3 miles.  We do have a 5K we signed up for this Monday where hubby will be pushing babe in the jogging stroller and me trying to beat my last time of 28 minutes and something.  I have a feeling it won’t happen because this is the same 5K I remember running back a couple of years ago that my brother ran with me.  He flew like the wind and left me in the dust.  By the way, my parents mentioned that they are going to visit my brother and his lovely wife in July.  It’s about time.  Not that I think that this will even help our fractured relationship, but now that I’m a parent, there is no excuse to ignore your child for ANY reason and no excuse for this horrible runon sentence!

Things are great here though.  It’s the way I like them… well except for needing to connect more with hubby.  I’ve hit 140 lbs which is a big deal for me.  I was almost 25 lbs heavier this time last year after all the fluids and such from the birth fell off.  I was left as a 165 lb woman pretty miserable.

It can happen ladies.  You can get the weight off.  It takes awhile to feel NORMAL again, but I do.  We’re still weaning… but as of today, it’s been over 24 hours since he nursed last.  I’M GOING TO MISS IT.  Terribly.  But, I want another child.  AF still not here.  I’m one of the lucky ones that do not ovulate at all with any prolactin floating around.  Good to prevent; bad if you want another.  Not that I thought it would be easy to get pregnant again and that I would be immediately “fixed” but going to see what happens without all the fertility hoopla.  I just have bad memories of thermometers, throwing my legs up in the air after doing the deed, and lots of wasted pregnancy tests.  I bought a box the other day of two and took one ONLY because it’s been awhile and wanted to make sure.  I fully expected a negative and got a negative… no harm no foul.  No, I didn’t think I was back to TTCA at all.  In fact, I breathed in a sigh of relief that I was able to tuck away the second test in a drawer for some other cycle.  Certainly not for the lack of this one.  I think it was very responsible of me to rule out…  and to put away.  The old me would take another one today.  And tomorrow.  And next week.  And so forth.

The new me has her baby and if one is all God has planned for me then it’s what I’ll have.

In the meantime, I’m running… and enjoying it.  I’m the leaner meaner chick running with the jogging stroller.  The little man loves it!

just thoughts today

I find myself at times really wanting to sit down with the laptop and just express all the thoughts I have during the day.  Thoughts of rushing to get things done.  Like now where my laundry is in the washing machine mildowy from not finishing what I started, a living room that I need to finish as far as getting some doors installed, and the current battle with the ants that have made a point of realizing a baby is in the house who drops crumbs everywhere.  Fun stuff!  I do mean this seriously.

What I am having a hard time with is the constant letting go from day one of bring my son home.  I have to let go of the baby who was 100% dependent on me to learning how to move around, including walking, and wanting to feed himself.  I notice that he seems to be able to self-feed to really be interested in food.  Every evening we have this ritual where he sits in his high chair and starts whining and throwing a fit about eating.  This is hard for someone like me who loves to eat more than just about anything.  I’ve squelched the appetite since January with the help of Weight Watchers, but I still love food.  Little man does not care for it.  Give him his sippy cup with whole milk, some fruit, and some puffs and he’s set.  I need to get another weight check done, but personally I believe he is gaining appropriately.  He’s getting heavier, no doubt.

Last night, little man wasn’t interested in nursing.  Wow.  I was crushed.  That’s the feelings I’m going through right now.  I do look forward to a return of myself.  BUT, I will miss this time.  I will miss this transition from baby to toddler as I already miss the baby that came home to me on April 15, 2008.  I miss the 3 month old who cooed.  I miss the 6 month old who could sit up.  I miss his gummy smile though I love all 8 of his teeth right now.  There are just so many things about this experience that have made me a better person.  I feel much more purpose in my life, and I’ve let go of a lot bitterness and negative issues in my life just from the sheer joy of a simple smile and the love I feel for a little boy that is more than I could have predicted.

Connecting with my husband is still a challenge.  He’s out-of-town all the time.  I’m alone with Little Man a lot.  I just sit here and play with him and as I said, rarely get anything done.

My job schedule is changing in the next month to every fourth weekend.  We’ll totally have more connection soon.

on love and marriage… and other stuff

It is tough on the marriage when a baby comes along.  I have to warn you.  You see, what happens is that the husband “loses” his wife for a bit.  I have definitely found my emotional needs met by simply rocking my son.  How does my hubby get his met?  What’s happened, you see, is that over time we have found a way to make it through that first year… the first year that is a fog of change in everything in our family.  What have I learned?  What am I learning now?

1.  I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter that my brother hasn’t met my son.  It doesn’t matter that he’s ignored us for over a year.  It’s HIS choice.  I cannot change that.  He’s really missed out on funny stuff.  There are times that I swear my son has inherited some of my little brother’s traits.  For example, my son’s eyes match my brother’s.  Hubby and I have green.  Son has blue.  Brother has blue.  Son has an outie so far.  Brother has an outie.  Son is a picky eater.  Brother was a picky eater.  It goes on…  I know, I know… at first blush I was thinking, “OH NO.”  But, as long as your heart is good it doesn’t matter what traits you inherit.  I’ve not lost hope that sometime my brother will snap out of his narcisstic coma.

2.  Time really flies.  Man, they aren’t lying.

3.  I’m cherishing every single moment.  Moments like rocking him even though I could just put him down.  Moments that I hear him while working.  Thank God I’m able to work from home and just hire someone to watch him.  Nothing like sneaking down for kisses and the like.

4.  It’s easy to disconnect from your spouse during the first year.  It takes work to find the time.  It gets EASIER.  It makes it harder to connect when my parents are over all the time.  Love them, but need some time with my hubby.  I know… tell them.

…

Facebook really gets on my nerves.  I’ve slowly – ever so slowly – have been crawling through all the “friends” (a word used loosely) getting rid of those that are not my friends.  For example, my ex-boyfriend Clay.  Give me a break!  You are not my friend.  Nothing like someone friending me and never even saying hello.  That’s right!  You wanted to find out if I was married and fat?  Hopefully Clay felt a pang of regret when he saw me.  He can’t see me now though.  I just think these kinds of “friends” are stalkers and creepy.

…

My brother takes after my dad.  I’ve learned this after a year being around my dad.  The difference between the two is that my dad is mentally healthy whereas my brother is mentally ill.

…

I’m almost to the weight I was when I met my hubby in 2002.  That would be 143 lbs today.  I was 164 lbs in January.  It feels GREAT.  I’m tall, so there’s no way I’ll ever get below 135 lbs, but happy that I WILL probably get into the 130s if I keep going like I’m going.

…

I want to get pregnant again.  I don’t want to get pregnant again.

the race…

There is this race that I participated in… now in hindsight I am able to admit this.  You get involved with an online community, several in fact, and log in day after day after day trying to see who is pregnant now and when will it be your own turn to post “BFP!”  Three years ago this June I joined in on this race and did fairly well… if graded on speed.  Now in hindsight I am able to see very clearly how my journey wasn’t so out of the ordinary.  Not only that but hurt I felt during the process was mostly self made.  That was a hard thing to admit back then; easy now.  It’s easy now because I have a kid.  The thing that I yearned more than my next breath of air is living and breathing and growing… and I’m in amazement.  Is it everything I thought it would be?  Honestly?  I had no idea.  I spent so much time analyzing the home pregnancy tests and how early I could take one along with methods of getting pregnant that I didn’t even research having a baby.

Imagine my amazement the other day when I asked my son half-heartedly, “Where’s your balloon?”  I had bought him two dozen balloons for his birthday and only one is left.  We had played with it the day before, and though I knew where it was I just wondered if he understood me.  I’m trying to stop using words like suck, crap, shut up, and so forth (good luck with that one) and asked him… “Where is your balloon?”

He looked up.  He found it.  He pointed to it.

Goodness.  He knows the word balloon.

I asked him, “Where’s your dog?”  My brains was flying.  What had I missed?  Have I not given him any credit at all for being a smart boy?  I have very much underestimated this little guy.

He stopped and pointed to one of the three dogs we have.  “Dah.”  He said.

“Was that dog?”  I said outloud.  Of course it wasn’t.

“Dah.”  He said again.

Good Lord.  Maybe I need to be more like the mother I know who claims her child says all sorts of things, and of course I don’t believe her… give this little guy some credit.

Crap.

I meant oops.

The race for #2 is on with some other women I know.  I’m choosing to not join up in the race.  I’m not preventing, but I’m not going to do what I did last time and sell my happiness and soul for just one BFP.  I just want to be happy day to day… and live day to day.  Not going there!

catching up…

How’s it going?  How’s life treating you?  Are you enjoying spring?  I feel as though last summer was a blur and that I was in perpetual hibernation with a newborn.  This summer will be long overdue as it will seem as though it will be the first summer in two years.  I do understand why women who have their first child seeemingly fall off the planet, much less have two as my dear friend Janna has now adopted two girls.  I wonder if she has time AT all since I complain about the time suck of one?  J/K of course.

I am getting ready to enter the new realm of a new schedule, every fourth weekend and very excited about it.  I will still work 30 hours a week which means picking up two Thursdays every month.  Less time with my son, but I will still hire someone to come here to hang out with him as I work.  I really need the consistency of family time as my husband still travels a lot of the time.  Weekends are the times that we can reconnect.  Change is rough though and I’m sure it’ll be a change for me.  Hopefully one that I will not regret by June!

Still nursing here 2-3 times a day and having quite a go of trying to stop.  I’m ready to stop.  He’s seemingly “getting” there.  It’s just taking longer than I thought and just as the moms who hate CIO and assume how terrible it is, just imagine rejecting your child wanting milk and everything EXTRA they get from breastfeeding and I think CIO suddenly becomes the lesser of two evils.  Seriously.  Hoping to be finished completely by August.  Hoping to be down to 1-2 times per day by next month.  Hoping that in itself will lead to my body’s inability to produce ANY and the gradual moving to milk from a sippy.  Please Lord let it be an easy transition for both.

TTC#2.  Sure.  Sounds nice.  Have friends already starting this and meeting with REs, charting and the like.  Me?  I am somehow wanting to shove my head in the sand and hope for an oops.  I do not want to go down that path of temping, cervial mucous land, and general OCD with TTC again.  It is NOT worth it.  It made the journey so much worse.  Having met someone that took ten years to conceive and her ability to avoid the whole infertility label was beyond me.  I envy her and her strength and her general belief she would have a biological child somehow.  Somehow happened and then another as though just being called mommy defined her into being the same to another child.  Who knows.

Other than that, I’m still dabbling in some new hobbies and doing a half marathon soon though I’m betting I’ll be walking most of it.

Baby was 19 lbs and some change and 29 inches long.  He’s 5-10% weight, 25% height, and 50% head.

Big brain.

happy birthday little man

A year ago today you entered the world bright red yet staring at me with those almond eyes.  Your head was long and misshapen from the birth, and your lungs were working hard to try to breathe properly.  You eventually had to spend a little over a week in the NICU to get ready for the world.

Ready you are.

You can say “Ma ma and da da” along with many other consonants – Ga, Go, Gu, Tsu, Ts, S, Na, No, Doo, Do, etc…

You can pull up and stand unsupported.

You crawl everywhere.  There are often races of me running to close a cabinet prior to you reaching the unforbidden area.

You sleep through the night.  Bliss.

You have a little bit of a temper.  You have some personality coming through.

You wave hi and bye.

You can blow a kiss, almost.

You point to things you want.

You have tantrums, sometimes.

You are a nursing champion!

You like to eat what momma is eating.

You cry for both momma and daddy.  I’m glad to see that you’ve bonded with hubby as well as me.

You are not a big eater.  Hmm…  not like his mother!

You squint your eyes when looking at someone sometimes.  It’s really different in that I cannot figure out what you are thinking or what it means.

I’m glad to celebrate this wonderful birthday with you, little man.  What a wonderful year it has been…

relapse

I’m unhappy to say that last night while my parents were over visiting as hubby out of town, I sort of had another tiny meltdown in regards to the relationship with my brother and his still ignoring me, baby, and hubby.  What brought it up this time was my son’s 10 mos pictures were taken last week and my mother was asking me if she could have the link to view them.  I know from the past that she then forwards that same email to everyone in the world.  She feels that she has that right; to send pictures that are on display for me to purchase to everyone.  I don’t mind normally, though it does annoy me a little, but I have been thinking a lot lately about sharing those pictures with my brother.  My plan isn’t to exclude him from his life, but let’s get real here.  He has made it perfectly clear by completely shutting me and my family out of his life.  His wife has followed suit by completely ignoring everything I’ve sent via email, mail, phone, etc…  I’ve resigned myself to not contact them again, and I won’t.  I will completely wait on him to wake up from his delusion of not being loved by our family, because we do miss him.

What bothers me the most about the situation is that I told mom that I would send her the link if she could promise not to send them to him.  Of course, that started the you are not over it talk and then the subsequent blaming me, though later they both stated that they didn’t blame me.  I get tired of hearing “You guys need to work it out.”  “It’s between you guys.”  On and on.  It’s not between us guys.  The whole thing started when he emailed me blaming them for abuse as a child (not true) and me getting ill about the allegation.  It was almost as if he contrived this whole elaborate scheme to get me where I am today… in a place where he doesn’t have to be a part of.  That’s fine if that is the way he wants to live his life.  If he can wake up every morning and look at himself in the mirror knowing that he has shut out his family, that’s his choice.  I just have a hard time with it because I feel we grew up together and though we weren’t 100% BFF, I always thought he would at LEAST be a part of my children’s lives in some way.  I wonder how angry and bitter he must feel to know he’s done this.  I wonder if he misses his ex-wife and the choices that he’s made landing a woman now who doesn’t seem to have a heart?  I need to remember one thing… DO I REALLY WANT HIM OR HER TO BE AROUND?  Would I want someone who would purposefully do something like this for such petty things to influence my child?  No, I wouldn’t.  Yet… as I say over and over again…  I wish this divide was not there.  I wish that if distance was needed for him, he’d at least say, “How’s it going with my nephew?”  I get nothing but silence.  I get parents who become quite defensive and feel the way they are handling it is best.

I don’t think sending my brother picures is helping him.  I think it further drives a wedge between all of us.  It further makes him feel alienated and he perceives it as a guilt trip.  I know how he thinks, unfortunately.

At least hubby agrees with me for once on this issue.  I don’t know if my parents will show up the rest of the week after our discussion last night.  Maybe we ALL need a break.  I’m definitely tired of the attitude I’m getting from my mother.  I don’t know where it is coming from lately.

I have resigned myself that I won’t be bringing it up again.  I won’t dictate what they do in regards to emails, phone calls to him, etc…  I won’t even ask about him anymore.  It’s come to this where I emotionally feel at peace with everything, but I don’t want to be a part of making it worse by sending pictures that in turn go to him.  He doesn’t want them.  He doesn’t care.

jason mesnick: from sweetheart father to jackass

I admit I still watch the trashy trainwreck of what we call The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  I admit that I was upset when one season a player chose neither woman.  I have also made mental note of how many couples don’t make it.  THE MAJORITY.

Last night was no different.  I think Reality Steve sums up my feelings exactly.

Jason, you ought to be ashamed to do what you did.  You could have at least stayed with Melissa for awhile and broke up with her later.  You could have called Molly in the meantime and tell her that you don’t want to break up with her publicly on the show and cause her humiliation but that you want to pursue Molly.

You could have really spared Melissa the hurt you have caused her.

Apparently you didn’t learn anything from your own divorce or being dumped by DeAnna.

the snuggie and its phenomenon

I cannot believe the Jesus robe, blanket with sleeves, or snuggie is making an impact on people.  Here where I live there are a group of snuggles (as I am calling them) meeting with their snuggies to do who knows what while wearing their snuggies.  Can you believe this?  The man that invented the slanket is pretty upset with the snuggie’s success.  Even my hubby told me that he almost bought me one for Christmas as a joke.  Isn’t that funny?

The blanket with sleeves is one of the hottest selling items these days. Selling more than 4 million units in the past three months, Snuggies has made just under $40 million in retail sales.  Again, amazing.

It has to be the marketing.

Another phenomenon now?  Snuggie Pub Crawls.

Nashville

Baltimore

And more…

Even with their complimentary book lights.

I cannot stop laughing.