Grateful Always

I’m not really good at making and adhering to schedules.  In fact I’m more of a “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of girl.  It’s tough for me to set an alarm clock for every 3 hours to pump.  It’s not as hard now with the baby because I am letting the schedule go that was given to me by a lactation consultant… I’m listening for him to tell me when he is hungry, etc…  However, due to the lack of consistent breastfeeding, I have to pump or lose my supply.  The clock is ticking…  3-4 more weeks of this before I make the big decision - exclusively pump or formula.  Who would have thought breastfeeding would be so hard?  Today it feels like I have knives inside my breasts.  Not too much fun

The baby is doing alright.  Lately, he’s had a belly ache (I think?) and has fooled me into thinking he’s hungry only to eat more and spit up.  I think it could be the di.flucan I’m taking for the nipple thrush?  I do know it can get in milk and cause gastrointestinal upset. 

Tomorrow, we’re going back to the hospital where he was born to meet with the lactation consultants there.  I think I’m done with the one I’ve been using.  I called her yesterday and she’s yet to call me back AND recommended Avent bottles containing BPA that I bought.  The one at the hospital told me to throw them out and go back to the haberman.  What a pain all of this has become.

 Red Sox Nation :)  Here he is…

I’m desperately trying to catch up on sleep.  Hubby is handling the baby tonight though I haven’t heard the baby wake up yet…  I’m downstairs doing this lovely thing - both breasts hooked up to these plastic cone things and have it turned up.  My supply is still down due to lack of sleep and mastitits, but I’m hopeful that it will correct itself.  I used to get 3 oz in right breast… now I get 1-2 oz depending.   Of course the left one is still a dependable 1 oz at a time.  It’s all I can do.

Here’s a sweet smile (only during sleep) that I caught of Lucas:

I had another little mini meltdown today, but I’m learning to combat those I just have to nap.  I haven’t been doing well napping at all because there is so much to do…  I have to learn to let it go.  I’m no photographer, but here’s the best shot of about 20 I took. 

He is starting to wake up more… more newborn like rather than premie-like.  He actually latched on today for awhile without a nipple shield.  It was a small victory.  I’m hoping that tomorrow’s lactation consultant meeting shows an improvement.  I need to hear “good job” and that “he’s going to get it.”  It is what is keeping me going.

Saturday, I awoke to a 100 degree fever…  mastitis.  BUT, the fever is getting better; however, the pain is still there.  I’m hoping to be back 100% in a couple more days.  My supply is suffering a bit right now, and it gets me down to pump and to see it in numbers rather than trusting your body when you breastfeed and just count diapers and see baby growing. 

I think I feel let-down now… a tiny tingle, etc… 

I won’t get any flack for refusing the hepatitis b vaccine, but he will be getting his first round of vaccines at 8 weeks rather than 12 weeks.  I dread that.  I have a ton of research to do in the meantime.  I’m not anti-vaccine.  I just worry because he is still so little.

Lucas’ stats:

Height - 20 3/4 inches (birth 20 inches) —–  25-50 percentile

Weight - 7 lbs, 5 oz (birth 6 lbs, 2.3 oz) —– 5-10 percentile (dern, but this isn’t the premie scale)

Head cir - 35 1/2 cm —– 10-25 percentile

Lucas has some catching up to do.

Breastfeeding is going ok with nipple shield though today only did it three times out of the 8 times total.  I was so busy with the doctor’s appointment, etc…

Last night was our first night alone.  Hubby was out-of-town.  We spent the night downstairs - me sleeping on the couch and him in his bassinet.  We did quite well…  I fed him the 4 hour plan twice and got more sleep.  I felt pretty good today!

I remember when I got pregnant with this baby that my mother had promised that she would stay with me for awhile and help me with everything but the baby.  However, when the baby came, it turned into my parents visiting two nights in a row bringing food and just sitting and holding the baby.  They had visited him countless times in the hospital as well and even once mom volunteered to go with me one night to drop off breast milk.  I told her I was on percocet and didn’t need to drive, yet when she arrived at my house (just 5 mins away) she wanted me to drive.  So I did.  It’s almost like she doesn’t have any confidence in driving to a place she had visited 5-6 times at least.  And I was on percocet.  Figures.

After the second night in a row of them visiting, it hit me that my mother wasn’t going to help me like she said she would.  Instead, she got herself a job and only spent one night with me.  In fact right now I think she’s not taking my calls today because I didn’t allow her and my dad to come over this past Sunday because I needed to sit around without a bra trying to nurse him (not much luck) and letting my breasts dry out because I feel like I’m fighting thrush.  Figures.  So because it wasn’t a good time for hubby and me for them to come, she’s now not taking my calls.

The last phone call I had with her Sunday was strange… but it was the usual.  Basically I told her a lactation consultant was coming over on Monday and that we were having newborn pictures taken almost an hour away.  I told her about how bad my nipples felt.  She immediately told me about how my dad had received a pseudo job offer from someone back home and that they could move back.  My hubby’s sister warned me that my mother had told her that she didn’t have any friends here and that she is sitting up all night emailing her friends back home.  On the phone she told me about the pseudo job offer sort of in a way to make me feel bad.  It’s hard to explain but it’s sort of like a guilt trip, though it makes me sad to admit that…  because my brother (who has YET TO STILL CALL ME AFTER HAVING A BABY) made an arse of himself by announcing at my wedding that my mom was the queen of the guilt trips… I don’t agree with that, but my mother is forgetting one thing.  It’s not all about her…  I know that she wants to see the baby more, but I’ve only had him for two weeks right now, but by the way she is acting and communicating with me, it’s like she hasn’t seen him in years.  Then she told me that Dad was going out of town.  And then she wanted to know when was a good time to come over because she wanted to see hubby and me.  Yeah right.  I told her she didn’t have to pretend… 

She came over last Thursday and helped me out immensely.  But three days later, Grandparent Syndrome is back where it’s all about her.

The problem is folks is that right now we’re on an every 3 hour schedule.  I breastfeed with a nipple shield for 20 mins each breast and then supplement with pumped breast milk 22-30mL and then pump whatever is left in the breasts.  Then change him and put him down.  This takes about an hour or over.  Then repeat in 3 hours.  See the problem?  Not much sleep.  Thus the reason why I haven’t blogged, been on the internet, or even been out much.

I wouldn’t change things for the world.  I already want another baby - to try in about 8 months or so.  I don’t want little baby here to be alone.  I figure since I’ll be 70 when he’s my age, it’d be nice if he had one other family member and not an only child.  Haven’t got hubby on board yet.

It’s those times in your life that you look forward to - proms, dating, engagement, weddings, pregnancy, etc…  I always was the child that would cry when another birthday would come along.  I knew what getting older meant.  It meant that I would be an adult.  I didn’t want that.  Now I know what labor meant.  I know what having this baby at home means.  He is going to grow.  He won’t be an infant forever.  I’m sitting here stealing time from him to log my feelings and still feel so hormonal.  I love him so much.  I want another one so bad.  I have already started hinting.  How messed up is that?  I know that feasibily it’s not possible right now.  I’m pumping and still trying to breastfeed.  It’s getting better.

I love this moment.  I just have to stop with the stupid thoughts of… “When Lucas is my age, I’ll be 70.”  And that I’ll never see him in his older age…  just thoughts like that really mess with me.

Lucas was discharged from the NICU on April 14 where he was placed with us in a room to pick up where we should have left off at birth.  He did really well though the hospital had him on an every 4 hour schedule.  I still don’t have breastfeeding down yet.  In fact, it’s my biggest issue.  I have a yeast infection thanks to the three rounds of ampicillin given to me and something going on with my breasts.  Of course, I am leaning toward yeast since that is what is going on down low, but for some reason the symptoms aren’t as severe as what others have told me or what I have read. 

Lucas makes a lot of neat noises.  It’s funny when he has a blow out.  He is a sleepy eater and always falls asleep.  I have to make him eat right now.  Part of me thinks maybe I shouldn’t force him, but we do so far until the pediatrician tells us otherwise.

The night we roomed in was funny because the nurse woke us up at 6:30am and asked me in her chinese accent if I’d fed the baby.  Um, no… there’s no alarm clock in here and are you kidding that I’m going to be able to wake up on my own considering I’ve been sleep deprived now for over a week???  Laugh.  So we fed him after our little lecture from the nurse.  Here we are … a 35 year old and a 40 year old being told how to feed a baby. 

Hoping breastfeeding works out…  Will upload new pics later.  Laptop crashed and new software should be here on Monday to restore my system. 

Here we go, the dreaded discussion about the hepatitis B vaccine that was ordered.  I had to explain myself to a twenty-something nurse about why we were declining.  I didn’t want to get into the autism debate when my main reasoning is that this vaccine was recommended for newborns because of the risk of passing hep B from mother to child at birth and the shot a prophylaxis.  I had the three series vaccine over 10 years ago and do not have it.  That is good enough for me and to allow his immune system to build.  The nurse replied that I was going to have to talk to the NP or doctor about it.  Then she wanted to know why again - so I just told her why.  What she doesn’t know is that the company that owns this particular hospital has other hospitals that allows for the mother’s status to play a role in whether or not the child gets the vaccine or not. 

Breastfed again.  He’s eating a ton.  The lactation consultant seems to think that maybe I’m not keeping up with supply?  Well heck it’s hard to know if that’s the case!  He’s still in the hospital!

We were given the date of Monday to room in with him and to take him home Tuesday.  We’re so thrilled!

Now they are thinking he may have had a mild case of pneumonia. 

Lucas was moved to the next floor for “overflow” due to a boom in admissions in the NICU and that he was considered stable.  Bless his heart, they had to start yet another IV and made several attempts.  His bilirubin is still on the high side of normal so that makes him very lethargic.  He sleeps a whole lot even while eating…  We’re able to visit more in a quieter place as his crib is against the wall.  We tried the breastfeeding thing again and it looks like I’ll be using a nipple shield for awhile.  My mother inched her way into that experience (I was trying to be nice) but then she was telling me what they were telling me was wrong and that I should not get used to the nipple shield etc…  She knows I have had breast surgery.  For now I will use that until he’s around term (May 1st or so) and then wean from that straight to breast.  Can’t I for once not have any more advice except from the lactation consultant?  She mentioned to me she wants me to take the baby back where I grew up to have him dedicated though the congregation there is different and so is the minister.  My husband doesn’t go to church there and honestly after much thought I think she wants to do that to show him off — in other words it’s all about her…  I’m going to have to decline such a ludicrous request. 

I feel in a way that she thinks it’s a third child to raise.

I’m going to have to draw boundaries… and I’m not good at that